Extroverts Need More Alone Time Than You Think
And we’re bad at it.
It’s December circa 1998. The door closes behind the last of our festive visitors and I burst into tears, feeling overwhelmed by the sudden quiet. From a young age, I was quick to work out that time surrounded by other people nourished me and made me feel my best. When our house emptied of visitors after the festive season, I felt empty too. Whenever there was a chance to socialize with friends, I’d jump at it without hesitation and look forward to it for days. Later I understood that for some, the social gatherings I enjoyed were anxiety-inducing and I felt sorry for introverts, dragging themselves along to the social events society deems compulsory. What I failed to understand was that alone time is compulsory, too. Society doesn’t tell you that, so I’m sure I’m not alone(!) when I confess that I’ve successfully avoided alone time for years and it’s coming back to bite me.
Extrovert myth-busting
Let’s start by debunking some stereotypes. Extroverts get a bad reputation for talking over introverts, not to mention dragging them back to the office and to in-person social events. Introvert readers, lower your pitchforks, us extroverts don’t have it all figured out either.
Myth #1: Extroverts have unlimited social batteries
Ah! Look at that extrovert, flitting from one event to another like a social butterfly. It’s easy to envy these personalities when we only see them on top form. Behind the scenes, extroverts are likely just as drained as introverts, although sometimes even they don’t recognize it themselves. Why? Where introvert readers crave time to recharge and take the first opportunity to spend time alone, extroverts don’t get such strong cravings to go home and sit in a bathtub with a book and they also don’t enjoy the process as much. This means we extroverts tend to self-sabotage by avoiding alone time and we overcook more easily, sometimes without even realizing it. Studies show that spending 11% of your time alone reduces negative feelings during subsequent demanding social experiences, regardless of whether you’re more of an introvert or an extrovert.
Myth #2: Extroverts want to be the star of the show
The loudest voices in the room are not always extroverts: introverts come in all shapes and sizes and some can appear the loudest and most confident in the room. Behind the scenes, they’ll need the most recovery time as a result, and that’s ok.
More vocal extroverts also don’t always speak up in pursuit of stardom or for fear of being sidelined, but for fear of silence. They have no desire to be centre of attention, but they crave social interaction and feel uncomfortable when no one is talking. The result is damaging to those in the room who take a little longer to find their voice. In these situations, we would do well to learn from our fellow introverts how to pause and take a deep breath.
“The less you talk, the more you’re listened to.” — Abigail Van Buren
Myth #3: Extroverts bring positive energy
Many extroverts are energy-givers, sharing their uplifting spirit with everyone in the room. The flipside of this, is that extroverts get their energy from other people, and if their reserves run low, they look to those around them to top up the tank. If those around them are energy vampires, taking energy but not offering any in return, or even bringing negative energy to the table, extroverts invariably run out of steam. With ‘other people’ as the extrovert’s number one energy source, they find a key lifeline has been cut and learning how to thrive on alone time has never been more critical.
Why alone time matters to extroverts
In each of the above myth-busting scenarios, the answer is clear: extroverts need to get more comfortable with alone time.
Myth #1 talks about the social butterfly, ignoring her body’s pleas for time to rest and recharge because she doesn’t see the joy in it. Sooner or later, this butterfly will burn out.
Myth #2 talks about an extrovert stealing the show and filling silence with small talk. If this chatty extrovert doesn’t learn to sit comfortably with their own thoughts in silence, quieter members of the group will never have space to speak up.
Myth #3 talks about the energy-giving extrovert who fills the room with light. If she doesn’t learn to restore her depleted energy reserves on her own, she will be caught in a downward spiral until a fellow energy-giver lifts her up again.
Whether it’s FOMO (fear of missing out), discomfort with silence, or a propensity to draw our energy from the people around us, it’s clear extroverts need a helping hand in forming a healthy relationship with alone time.
How have extroverts got away with this for so long?
No one has noticed. No, really. We extroverts have been too busy seeking external energy, social interaction and validation to discover we need alone time. Most introverts have been too busy embracing alone time and navigating challenging social situations whilst feeling frustrated that extroverts seem to socialise so easily.
In short, an extrovert’s strengths are external and very visible (what could be more visible than a social butterfly? 🦋). An introvert’s strengths are internal and invisible, more like a chrysalis, with the hard work happening on the inside, behind closed doors.
The result? Where introverts will suffer burnout due to external pressures, extroverts are more likely to suffer from burnout due to internal pressures, because they’ve never learned to navigate alone time.
What does alone time look like for extroverts?
Alone time looks different for everyone, but it can take particularly different shapes for introverts and extroverts.
For all of us, however, alone time can help to accomplish two key goals:
Firstly, it can help us to rest and recharge and secondly, it can help us to get more comfortable spending time with ourselves and therefore with silence.
World-leading life-coach Gigi Sage divides activities that affect our energy into three categories: nourishers, enliveners and zappers. Nourishers are restorative activities where we withdraw from the world such as reading, sleeping or listening to music. Enliveners are restorative activities where we engage with the world, such as socializing with friends, dancing or taking a fitness class. Zappers are activities that leave us feeling drained of energy, such as a conversation with Negative Nancy.
Extroverts gravitate more towards enliveners and introverts towards nourishers. Yet we need both to sustain a healthy, balanced existence. As an extrovert struggling with alone time, a good start can be to think about all the nourishers you’ve engaged in over the past three months. Which have you enjoyed the most? Do you crave any of them if you don’t do them? What ‘sweeteners’ incentivise you to engage? For example, if you don’t mind reading, but a nice candle gets you in the mood to actively enjoy the moment, that’s your deal sweetener.
Next, consider when these activities occurred: do you make time for nourishers in the morning or in the evening? After dinner or on Sunday afternoons? Find the timeslots you’re most comfortable with and block out an accessible (not ambitious) time period. If your starting point is zero time dedicated to nourishment, 5 minutes is valid progress and blocking out a full hour will likely lead to self-sabotage. You can increase this number in 5 to 10 minute increments over time. Extroverts, don’t neglect your nourishers.
Whilst more time nourishing ourselves will gradually lead to increased comfort with alone time, there’s more we can do to change the status quo: in moments where you’re lacking a friend to talk to, be that friend.
In the beginning, this will feel extremely uncomfortable: hang tough. What would it feel like to befriend yourself, even for an hour? Would you get that friend a drink of their choice? Go and make it for yourself. Would you talk to that friend? Absolutely. Then talk to yourself [This scientific study says talking to yourself is healthy]. Alternatively, write down your thoughts. Would you take your friend out on a date? Take yourself shopping, to the cinema or to a museum. As extroverts, we tend to punish ourselves, saving our time and money for social occasions and suffering when we’re alone. But if we don’t take restorative time with ourselves seriously, we won’t be on top form with others.
Help us, introverts
If you’re an introverted reader, comment below — how do you spend your alone time and what gives you a boost? We extroverts haven’t figured out how to cope with alone time yet and we’re exhausting ourselves as a result. Here, you are the experts.
Extroverts, it’s time to reassess your definition of balance: are you, like me, burying your head in the social sand and ignoring alone time? Take a moment to realign and discover how it will help you enjoy those extroverted highs all the more.
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